Click here to read more from my latest article on aish.com

http://www.aish.com/f/m/Five_Things_Your_Husband_Wishes_Youd_Know_but_Wont_Tell_You.html

The hour-long show will be premiering this Thursday at 1pm, New York time.

We will be opening the line to callers at 845-613-2525. If there are any specific topics you would like us to address please contact us here .

We hope to be able to provide the recording for those who are not able to listen live.

If you experience any challenges calling in, etc… please let us know as the station is still working out some kinks.

Thanks to all who commented on the article. I would like to address a few of the comments that suggested that this article was an attack on technology and that Facebook is not the problem; rather bad marriages are. I believe, as some of you wrote, that technology is not inherently bad. It all depends on how we use it. In fact, I do not believe the internet is evil or that it is the main problem that our generation faces. Unhealthy relationships, be it marriage, family, or within one’s self, do much more damage and allow the unhealthy elements of the internet to influence us negatively. We must place our primary focus on the real problems which are working on creating healthy marriages and families as well as healthy individuals.

With that said,  Facebook is not the cause of jealousy, infidelity, and other social ills. The point of this article is that it does provide easier access for these forces to enter our lives. Each one of us must decide for ourselves what we can withstand. We are human and we have temptations. If we are prone to jealousy, it might not be helpful to spend so much time on Facebook reading about what everyone else is doing. I am not suggesting we live in fear and not trust ourselves, rather we should make informed decisions.

While some comments seem to assume this article is addressed to the Orthodox community, I think it is important to realize that the readers of this site are from all walks of life. While in the Orthodox community, there may be less intermingling of genders, and more awareness of the laws of not speaking ill about others, as well as the problems of jealousy and infidelity, for the world at large the points made in the article are ones that might not be so obvious. In fact, since this article was published I have been contacted by those thanking me for bringing some of these issues to the fore and that they have experienced the same problem with Facebook in their marriage. I think it is time for all of us to focus on bettering ourselves and our relationships and, with that, being aware of those activities which may not always help contribute to these goals.

Click here to read my latest article on Aish.com

http://www.aish.com/f/m/Facebook_and_Divorce.html

Good morning, I was on Aish.com and found you on the website. When I clicked onto your website I began reading Is My Marriage Over which was a G-d send to me as that was about the time my husband had told me he no longer knew how he felt about me. I was devastated. I read 6 things you can do with an unwilling partner. At first I thought…no way, but at this point what did I have to lose? I am not good at communication. I tend to hold a lot in and talk to myself instead. Needless to say I tried it. It has been 2 months since my husband told me that he did not know how he felt. The hurt of that I’m sure will stay as a reminder to me that I NEED to open up to him and with that I started taking initiative with my unwilling partner to listen, take responsibility for my role, etc. My husband has been kissing me hello and goodbye, calling me during the day while he is gone to work. It has been amazing and wonderful to have my best friend back. I wanted to tell you “Thank You” for helping me find my way back to our marriage. Hashem guided me to you and the help you could provide. Magid m’reishis acharis – that feeling and interjecting it back into my relationship has turned things around. Appreciating him and telling him is now coming easier than I thought I could do before. Again, thank you! Shalom, Melanie

While it would be nice if we could convince our unwilling spouse to come to counseling, there is still hope even if they are disinterested. When we take responsibility for our role in our relationship like Melanie and show up with our best selves, we can cause our partner’s feelings towards us to change.  To sign up for the free e-course that brought our reader back to her marriage, click below.

What if My Spouse isn’t Interested- 6 Things You Can Do to Create a Happy Marriage with an Unwilling Partner

http://www.therelationshiprabbi.com/happy-marriage

After discussing one’s feelings using Imago – what then?  In other words, the problem or source of irritation has been said and received, but what if the other person does not change the behavior that is so disturbing.  Regarding your wife’s concern about telephone calls during dinner – what if you continued the behavior even though you knew it was going to continue to disturb her.  Does one keep bringing up the fact via Imago that it is still disturbing, i.e., how do we get to an effective solution to more or less get the problem corrected.

For those of you who did not watch the video, my wife shared a frustration with me regarding taking a phone call when we were out to dinner with my parents. There are four ways in which the dialogue brings about change.

1)      Compassion:

One concern I generally have with demos is that they do not always give the audience a full picture of the process. That is why when my wife and I demoed this week at the Kinus haShluchos (see pictures here),we decided to explore the childhood connection evoked by the frustration she shared.  (We discussed a different frustration.) The reason I felt this was important is that it took the work to a much deeper level. While dealing with the current issue at hand, it is often possible for couples to get stuck in the details and not fully be able to leave their world and validate the other.  Some hold on to their defenses and although they may see the other side partially, they are not safe enough to let it affect them in a meaningful way.

When we are able to be vulnerable with each other, we can develop compassion for each other in a way that will make us think twice next time the situation occurs.  If I feel the frustration is all about me and what I did wrong, I may feel too slighted to change. If I begin to understand that my behavior triggered a deep wound in my beloved, than it takes the focus off me and helps me appreciate where my wife is coming from. And even if you can’t go to the childhood piece, if you are able to be vulnerable about your feelings and focus on you as opposed to what your spouse did wrong, your spouse will be able to develop compassion for you.

2)      Less threatening, more cooperation:

When you are able to dialogue about a situation and hear each other more fully and clearly, you will be able to work better together.  Instead of being in stress mode, your brain can relax and entertain all of the various possible solutions. Couples are more amicable to working together once they both feel like their opinions are valued. They are able to have a more rational and less reactive conversation which will produce solutions they may have not previously thought of when they were feeling on guard.

3)       You become more resourceful:

I always like to tell the story of my first Imago dialogue with my wife. She was upset that I had not fixed the closet rod in my daughter’s closet. Of course, it really wasn’t about the closet rod. She bared her soul and I was able to hear her story and connect deeply. At the end of the session, she asked the therapist how this process would help resolve the issue. He told her to wait until next week. Needless to say, I never fixed the closet rod. My wife decided to call a handyman and take care of it herself. She did not feel resentment towards me even though I did not fix it. Why was she not able to call a handyman before? Why only now did she get this good idea? When we are triggered and under stress we are unable to think of all possible solutions. Once she was able to feel heard, she no longer had to be fixated on what I was not doing. This opened her brain up to be more resourceful and access what would have otherwise been an obvious solution.

4)      The issue is no longer an issue:

Many times no change is warranted at the end of the dialogue. It does not even matter anymore.  Our strive for connection with our spouse will often manifest itself in frustration and conflict. If an effective dialogue brings about connection around the issue, that is often what is needed to change the situation.

If the issue keeps reoccurring then it would be appropriate to dialogue about it. The same issues often come up with couples until they are able to be repaired. Sometimes it will take a few dialogues or more until progress can be made. It is like peeling the layer of the onion. There are always deeper layers to be removed until the core is reached and the issue is resolved. As we hear the story again, it becomes another opportunity for us to stretch and grow for out partner.

Finally, in the cases where the behavior does not change, a behavioral change request may be warranted. This is an expanded dialogue where the “offender” offers to make a temporary behavioral change related to the frustration. (You can read more about that in the 1^st half of The Jewish Marriage Book.)

The dialogue really does work. As with any real growth, it takes practice but the results are worth it!

Whitney Houston’s death is yet another tragic ending for the life of a talented performer. While the cause of death is still uncertain, her turn to drug use during her tumultuous marriage sent her on a downward spiral that destroyed her reputation and ultimately her life. What lessons can we learn from her untimely passing?

Exiting From Our Pain

Life can be painful and if we do not deal with our struggles, it can be downright unbearable. There are many ways we escape when the going gets tough. While some of these activities may appear benign or even healthy such as exercise, work, or becoming super parent, other escapes can prove fatal such as substance abuse and other high risk behaviors. All of these actions can be ways to avoid dealing with the hurt we may be experiencing.

I notice this often in my work with couples. Couples who are suffering in a lousy relationship and are not getting their emotional needs met, usually look outward to sooth or distract themselves. They usually do not possess the tools necessary to deal with the issues they are facing and thus it becomes too difficult to articulate their needs in the safe confines of a relationship. Herein lies the problem, if we are unable to express our feelings in a safe framework, we will bottle them up, and relegate ourselves to suffer. Self-medicating will not solve the problem as it only serves to mask the symptoms. Unless we can deal with the root cause of the pain, we will have quite a challenge changing the behavior.

Closing The Exit

The first step to changing any behavior is awareness. Recognize how you cope. Do you throw yourself into a particular activity? Do you feel a sense of health and well-being when you do that? If the answer is no, you may want to rethink your choices. What is it that you are avoiding or protecting yourself from? As you begin to become more aware, you will be able to consciously decide your future path. Of course, in the case of addictions, it is much harder to stop as the body has developed a chemical dependency.

Once you have become conscious of your pain, it is time to take proactive measures to heal. One helpful tool is talking it out. Rabbi Kalonymus Kalman Shapira, the Chassidic Rebbe of the Warsaw Ghetto, wrote in his private diary: “You can also take advantage of our Sages’ advice based on the verse in Proverbs 12:25: “When a person has a heavy heart, let him speak it out to others” (Yoma 75a). The Sages make no mention of what the listener should do to ease the distress of the other. That’s because just talking about it and getting it out in the open are so healing and prevent the need for self-deception to numb the buried pain.” Articulating your feelings can become a cathartic experience; an opportunity to relieve a heavy burden. That is why therapy or even a good friend can be so helpful as it provides a healthy outlet for pent-up emotions.

Asking For G-d’s Help

Rabbi Shapira also writes that heartfelt prayer is a necessary component in the healing process. One of the foundations of 12 step programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous is the acknowledgment of a Higher Power and that He can restore us to sanity. These programs are so powerful because they allow us to become humble before G-d and to realize that we cannot do it by ourselves. This is a comforting thought for one who feels alone in their suffering and cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. Turning to G-d, asking for help, and having faith can serve to strengthen us in difficult times and help us out of our misery.

As we are confronted with Whitney’s death and her millions of fans around the world mourn her loss, let not her passing be in vain. Let us reach out to those beautiful souls that are suffering and provide a lifeline to them so that they too will not exit from their relationships and from themselves.

Some of the ideas in this article are based on Rabbi Slatkin’s new book “Is My Marriage Over: The Five Step Action Plan to Saving Your Marriage,” available for download here.

Click here to read more of my latest article from Aish.com, a summary of my latest book,  Is My Marriage Over: The 5 Step Action Plan to Saving Your Marriage,

or read the whole book by clicking below

http://www.therelationshiprabbi.com/is-my-marriage-over

I agree that it can be very helpful to view your spouse as a small, hurt, wounded child in pain (and vice-versa), rather than as your enemy who is willfully “out to get you” at times. Thus, you can begin to see your partner with a healing caring and compassion rather than with anger and resentment.

However, I do think clarification needs to be made between compassion for that “hurt little child” who is your partner, and condoning bad behavior. As an example of a parent, you would help your child, hopefully in a sensitive, caring, age-appropriate manner, to “do the right thing”. In a similar fashion, as a spouse, you would show your partner that, while you can empathize with their “hurt child within”, at the same time, perhaps through the use of the Imago Dialog Process, you can help your partner to understand that their behavior can be very hurtful to you and is inappropriate. You can then request him or her to make more appropriate positive behavior changes in the foreseeable future. I guess my fear (maybe unfounded) is that by showing compassion for your “hurt child” partner, despite the fact that they may be behaving in an inappropriate, hurtful manner towards you, he or she may misinterpret your compassion and empathy as an acceptance or tolerance on your part, of his or her unacceptable (even if only unacceptable to you), destructive behavior – therefore, giving him or her “permission” to continue in this negative manner. Thus, the relationship will continue to deteriorate.

Having compassion does not mean condoning  behavior. You are making sense of the situation and developing a better understanding why your spouse did that repugnant behavior instead of getting stuck in the power struggle. Eventually, when the storm blows over, you can share with him what bothers you about that behavior. While it might make sense why he does it and you may have compassion for him, it does not mean that you do not still have an issue with it. It may make sense why a wife would get anxious if her husband is not producing adequate income and she may yell at him but it does not mean that her behavior gets a pass. If the husband understands her feelings he feels less threatened and realizes it is not all about him. He can still discuss with her his concerns about her outbursts. Both sides usually need to stretch and meet each other half way. Once they can have compassion for each other they can be a little more sensitive to each other in the future and have a better chance of making the stretch.

Although so much of this make sense, I have a question that has stumped me for some time and would appreciate any feedback. On an intellectual level, and in an ideal world, the concept that no one is right or wrong, and that according to him or her, what he or she did or said (or didn’t do or say) makes sense in his or her “world”. I understand that using validation via the Imago Dialog gives your partner “permission” and a sense of safety to “feel their feelings”, without fearing being judged or condemned. However, as mentioned, this technique of validation is often very difficult to use in practice (our egos certainly can get in the way!), and I struggle with it at times, especially when I do believe that something my partner did or said (or, by a “sin of omission”, did not do or say) was very wrong (translation: hurtful, cruel, abusive, neglectful, callous, insensitive, etc.). How can I say to my partner that “this makes sense and you make sense” when it not only doesn’t make sense to me but actually feels downright wrong or even crazy to me? I know this may seem too much like rigid,”black & white” thinking on my part, but I DO believe that there are some things in this world that are truly “right” or “wrong” and not open to discussion, negotiation or interpretation (the Ten Commandments, for example!). Cannot this technique of validation (which sometimes feels to me like an acceptance, condoning and enabling of the other one’s bad behavior),via my validation, compassion & empathy, be misinterpreted by my partner as giving my permission for him/ her to continue this bad behavior?

Maybe, I’m going off on a tangent with this, but I do have a hard time with the concept at times and would like to understand and make peace with it, since I do agree that it can be a very wonderful, healing practice for partners to share and practice with each other.  Thanks in advance for any comments or suggestions – much appreciated!

Validating does not have to mean you agree or condone. You are essentially telling your partner that you have a right to feel the way you do and it makes sense why you feel that way, based on the way you see things in your world, even if in your eyes it may seem warped.  Everyone has their story, we just need to listen long enough. See the previous response for more about condoning behaviors.

How about dealing with a spouse who is often irritable, angry and short tempered but denies and takes no responsibility for that toxic behavior? i believe he is depressed and his mood manifests as anger rather than sadness, but unfortunately rather than be vulnerable and seek help he blames and criticizes. is there help in a case where one partner would gladly seek professional help and the other refuses?

It is very challenging where one partner wants to seek help and the other refuses.  While it is frustrating to bear the brunt of the behavior especially when he is not willing to get help, you can not force him into therapy. The only thing you can do is to state your feelings in a loving caring manner where you take ownership, have compassion for your partner as to why he may be depressed, and learn about what role you may play in triggering the behavior. While it would be nice if his behavior were to stop as it is greatly damaging to the relationship, the more that you can do on your own to improve the relationship, the less anger he may feel. Try validating his feelings instead of challenging him to take responsibility and see if that works.  You can also read some of the material in Is My Marriage Over: The Five Step Action Plan for Saving Your Marriage where I address those who are going at it alone as well as my free e-course What if My Spouse isn’t Interested- 6 Things You Can Do to Create a Happy Marriage with an Unwilling Partner

Have you ever wondered what prompts couples to give up on their marriage? While there are certain events that can push a marriage over the edge, many couples are successfully able to weather a lousy marriage for a long time. Other than infidelity, I have observed that therapy is often the cause for one spouse to throw in the towel and give up. No, I am not referring to bad marriage therapy that often sounds like a screaming match behind closed doors, though that also does its share of damage. I am talking about the effect individual therapy can have on a marriage.

Here is one example I have heard over the years from more than one couple:

“We’ve been married twenty years and it has been pretty bad, but now I have no desire to work on the relationship and I am ready for divorce.” They went together for years of bad marriage counseling that didn’t help, yet they still stayed together. What changed now?

“A few years ago I started seeing an individual therapist …..” The wife was told by her therapist that it would be better to work with her privately and “fix” her own personal problems than it would be to work together on her marriage with the husband. The therapist even asked the husband what he would like his wife to work on. Let’s just say that this method was a disaster. She became so attached to the therapist that had encouraged her to “work on herself,” and concluded that it was her husband that was the problem. She was done with her marriage and there was no possible way I could even invite her to do couples work with her husband.

While individual therapy is helpful for individuals, it is often counterproductive for couples going through marital problems.

Here are three ways in which individual therapy may make your relationship issues worse:

1) Is your individual therapist advising you about your spouse?

I am amazed at how therapists can draw conclusions about the other spouse without ever meeting him or her. I am always shocked to hear that a therapist will support their client’s decision to divorce their spouse without first advising the couple to work together on resolving their conflict. I have heard about  therapists who have convinced one spouse to leave the other without even meeting him/her or inviting him/her to join a therapy session!

Although therapists are supposed to be neutral and should take their ego and/or personal agendas out of the session, there are male therapists who have an axe to grind with verbally abusive women and there are female therapists who have a dislike for “controlling” men.

Even if a therapist does not have an agenda, there often seems to be a complete disregard for the big picture: that when you break up a marriage you are often breaking up a family. My heart is broken when I hear about young couples with little kids getting divorced. Such decisions have devastating effects on future generations. As I hear of families breaking apart, I am working with children of divorce who are trying to salvage their own marriages. They did not grow up witnessing a healthy relationship.   Even if they were fortunate to not become addicts or to end up in abusive relationships themselves, they are suffering from their parents’ inability to repair their own marriage.

2) Placing doubts about your spouse:

I feel so strongly about this because I have heard many stories of relationships that could have been repaired had one spouse not been poisoned by his/her therapist about the other. We are not talking about cases of physical abuse or of potential threat to one’s life.  We are talking about “normal” things that most couples deal with such as  yelling, criticizing, blaming, shaming, etc.. While these may all be forms of verbal abuse, they can often be dealt with and couples’s behavior can change. When both spouses are not present, you can end up like the husband whose individual therapist convinced him that his wife was abusive and that she had a personality disorder. Whether or not it was true, those words had a profund effect on the husband and it forever tarnished the way he viewed his wife. While before he had hope that the relationship could improve, he was now convinced she had a “disorder” and there was no point in trying anymore as she was the one with the problem, not him.

A relationship requires two people, and in order to change it the dynamic has to change. It is rarely only one person’s fault. We can trigger some ugly behavior in our spouse but that does not mean that our marriage needs to be trashed. With the right perspective, the desire, and the proper tools it is very possible to save even the worst marriages.

3)   Removing your relationship from the center:

The best way to fix a relationship is for both spouses to work on their marriage together. This involves more than solving issues or changing behavior. Couples repair their marriage by learning how to relate to each other in healthier ways. Once that occurs, the problems that arise can be dealt with effectively. That is why it is essential for couples to learn the skills necessary to relate to each other. In most marriages, both partners contribute to the conflict they are experiencing. By not dealing with each other directly, rather seeking individual help, couples shift the focus from where it needs to be. It is common for one spouse to feel that their therapist is able to provide them the warm, understanding, and available presence they are looking for in their marriage. The goal of good couples work is that the spouse can become that presence that the other is looking for, not the therapist.

Am I advising you do to fire your individual therapist? No, but I am advising you to be aware of the issues that may occur if you are seeing one. Even the most well-intentioned individual therapists can be harmful if they are advising you about your spouse when he/she isn’t there. If you are seeing an individual therapist for your marriage, the best thing you can do is focus on your personal issues. Ask them not to make any suggestions about your spouse. Unless there is physical abuse or potential threat to one’s life, it is irresponsible for a therapist to encourage divorce without hearing both sides of the story. Even if divorce is not encouraged, it is not helpful when a therapist speaks poorly about your spouse or gives you advice.  It leads to insecurity and second-guessing. If you come home disagreeing with your spouse saying, “Well, my therapist said…,” then you need to become a little more aware of the influence your individual therapy is having on your marriage.

Ultimately, you and your spouse need to discuss and decide together what is best for your relationship, as you will be the ones to live with whatever decision you make. Although your therapist may be well-meaning, a therapist is a human being and does not always have all the answers, especially if they have only heard half of the story. Trust in the potential that your relationship has to heal, and focus your energy on your marriage. Whatever you do, don’t let your therapist destroy your marriage!

An internationally renowned Imago relationship therapist, author, and lecturer, Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, LCPC, “The Relationship Rabbi”, works with couples in person in Baltimore, Maryland and coaches them worldwide via SKYPE.  To contact Rabbi Slatkin, please call 443-570-7598 or visit TheRelationshipRabbi.com.  Parts of this article have been excerpted from Rabbi Slatkin’s new book Is My Marriage Over: The Five Step Action Plan to Saving Your Marriage, available for download at http://www.therelationshiprabbi.com/is-my-marriage-over