After discussing one’s feelings using Imago – what then?  In other words, the problem or source of irritation has been said and received, but what if the other person does not change the behavior that is so disturbing.  Regarding your wife’s concern about telephone calls during dinner – what if you continued the behavior even though you knew it was going to continue to disturb her.  Does one keep bringing up the fact via Imago that it is still disturbing, i.e., how do we get to an effective solution to more or less get the problem corrected.

For those of you who did not watch the video, my wife shared a frustration with me regarding taking a phone call when we were out to dinner with my parents. There are four ways in which the dialogue brings about change.

1)      Compassion:

One concern I generally have with demos is that they do not always give the audience a full picture of the process. That is why when my wife and I demoed this week at the Kinus haShluchos (see pictures here),we decided to explore the childhood connection evoked by the frustration she shared.  (We discussed a different frustration.) The reason I felt this was important is that it took the work to a much deeper level. While dealing with the current issue at hand, it is often possible for couples to get stuck in the details and not fully be able to leave their world and validate the other.  Some hold on to their defenses and although they may see the other side partially, they are not safe enough to let it affect them in a meaningful way.

When we are able to be vulnerable with each other, we can develop compassion for each other in a way that will make us think twice next time the situation occurs.  If I feel the frustration is all about me and what I did wrong, I may feel too slighted to change. If I begin to understand that my behavior triggered a deep wound in my beloved, than it takes the focus off me and helps me appreciate where my wife is coming from. And even if you can’t go to the childhood piece, if you are able to be vulnerable about your feelings and focus on you as opposed to what your spouse did wrong, your spouse will be able to develop compassion for you.

2)      Less threatening, more cooperation:

When you are able to dialogue about a situation and hear each other more fully and clearly, you will be able to work better together.  Instead of being in stress mode, your brain can relax and entertain all of the various possible solutions. Couples are more amicable to working together once they both feel like their opinions are valued. They are able to have a more rational and less reactive conversation which will produce solutions they may have not previously thought of when they were feeling on guard.

3)       You become more resourceful:

I always like to tell the story of my first Imago dialogue with my wife. She was upset that I had not fixed the closet rod in my daughter’s closet. Of course, it really wasn’t about the closet rod. She bared her soul and I was able to hear her story and connect deeply. At the end of the session, she asked the therapist how this process would help resolve the issue. He told her to wait until next week. Needless to say, I never fixed the closet rod. My wife decided to call a handyman and take care of it herself. She did not feel resentment towards me even though I did not fix it. Why was she not able to call a handyman before? Why only now did she get this good idea? When we are triggered and under stress we are unable to think of all possible solutions. Once she was able to feel heard, she no longer had to be fixated on what I was not doing. This opened her brain up to be more resourceful and access what would have otherwise been an obvious solution.

4)      The issue is no longer an issue:

Many times no change is warranted at the end of the dialogue. It does not even matter anymore.  Our strive for connection with our spouse will often manifest itself in frustration and conflict. If an effective dialogue brings about connection around the issue, that is often what is needed to change the situation.

If the issue keeps reoccurring then it would be appropriate to dialogue about it. The same issues often come up with couples until they are able to be repaired. Sometimes it will take a few dialogues or more until progress can be made. It is like peeling the layer of the onion. There are always deeper layers to be removed until the core is reached and the issue is resolved. As we hear the story again, it becomes another opportunity for us to stretch and grow for out partner.

Finally, in the cases where the behavior does not change, a behavioral change request may be warranted. This is an expanded dialogue where the “offender” offers to make a temporary behavioral change related to the frustration. (You can read more about that in the 1^st half of The Jewish Marriage Book.)

The dialogue really does work. As with any real growth, it takes practice but the results are worth it!

Whitney Houston’s death is yet another tragic ending for the life of a talented performer. While the cause of death is still uncertain, her turn to drug use during her tumultuous marriage sent her on a downward spiral that destroyed her reputation and ultimately her life. What lessons can we learn from her untimely passing?

Exiting From Our Pain

Life can be painful and if we do not deal with our struggles, it can be downright unbearable. There are many ways we escape when the going gets tough. While some of these activities may appear benign or even healthy such as exercise, work, or becoming super parent, other escapes can prove fatal such as substance abuse and other high risk behaviors. All of these actions can be ways to avoid dealing with the hurt we may be experiencing.

I notice this often in my work with couples. Couples who are suffering in a lousy relationship and are not getting their emotional needs met, usually look outward to sooth or distract themselves. They usually do not possess the tools necessary to deal with the issues they are facing and thus it becomes too difficult to articulate their needs in the safe confines of a relationship. Herein lies the problem, if we are unable to express our feelings in a safe framework, we will bottle them up, and relegate ourselves to suffer. Self-medicating will not solve the problem as it only serves to mask the symptoms. Unless we can deal with the root cause of the pain, we will have quite a challenge changing the behavior.

Closing The Exit

The first step to changing any behavior is awareness. Recognize how you cope. Do you throw yourself into a particular activity? Do you feel a sense of health and well-being when you do that? If the answer is no, you may want to rethink your choices. What is it that you are avoiding or protecting yourself from? As you begin to become more aware, you will be able to consciously decide your future path. Of course, in the case of addictions, it is much harder to stop as the body has developed a chemical dependency.

Once you have become conscious of your pain, it is time to take proactive measures to heal. One helpful tool is talking it out. Rabbi Kalonymus Kalman Shapira, the Chassidic Rebbe of the Warsaw Ghetto, wrote in his private diary: “You can also take advantage of our Sages’ advice based on the verse in Proverbs 12:25: “When a person has a heavy heart, let him speak it out to others” (Yoma 75a). The Sages make no mention of what the listener should do to ease the distress of the other. That’s because just talking about it and getting it out in the open are so healing and prevent the need for self-deception to numb the buried pain.” Articulating your feelings can become a cathartic experience; an opportunity to relieve a heavy burden. That is why therapy or even a good friend can be so helpful as it provides a healthy outlet for pent-up emotions.

Asking For G-d’s Help

Rabbi Shapira also writes that heartfelt prayer is a necessary component in the healing process. One of the foundations of 12 step programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous is the acknowledgment of a Higher Power and that He can restore us to sanity. These programs are so powerful because they allow us to become humble before G-d and to realize that we cannot do it by ourselves. This is a comforting thought for one who feels alone in their suffering and cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. Turning to G-d, asking for help, and having faith can serve to strengthen us in difficult times and help us out of our misery.

As we are confronted with Whitney’s death and her millions of fans around the world mourn her loss, let not her passing be in vain. Let us reach out to those beautiful souls that are suffering and provide a lifeline to them so that they too will not exit from their relationships and from themselves.

Some of the ideas in this article are based on Rabbi Slatkin’s new book “Is My Marriage Over: The Five Step Action Plan to Saving Your Marriage,” available for download here.

Click here to read more of my latest article from Aish.com, a summary of my latest book,  Is My Marriage Over: The 5 Step Action Plan to Saving Your Marriage,

or read the whole book by clicking below

http://www.therelationshiprabbi.com/is-my-marriage-over

I agree that it can be very helpful to view your spouse as a small, hurt, wounded child in pain (and vice-versa), rather than as your enemy who is willfully “out to get you” at times. Thus, you can begin to see your partner with a healing caring and compassion rather than with anger and resentment.

However, I do think clarification needs to be made between compassion for that “hurt little child” who is your partner, and condoning bad behavior. As an example of a parent, you would help your child, hopefully in a sensitive, caring, age-appropriate manner, to “do the right thing”. In a similar fashion, as a spouse, you would show your partner that, while you can empathize with their “hurt child within”, at the same time, perhaps through the use of the Imago Dialog Process, you can help your partner to understand that their behavior can be very hurtful to you and is inappropriate. You can then request him or her to make more appropriate positive behavior changes in the foreseeable future. I guess my fear (maybe unfounded) is that by showing compassion for your “hurt child” partner, despite the fact that they may be behaving in an inappropriate, hurtful manner towards you, he or she may misinterpret your compassion and empathy as an acceptance or tolerance on your part, of his or her unacceptable (even if only unacceptable to you), destructive behavior – therefore, giving him or her “permission” to continue in this negative manner. Thus, the relationship will continue to deteriorate.

Having compassion does not mean condoning  behavior. You are making sense of the situation and developing a better understanding why your spouse did that repugnant behavior instead of getting stuck in the power struggle. Eventually, when the storm blows over, you can share with him what bothers you about that behavior. While it might make sense why he does it and you may have compassion for him, it does not mean that you do not still have an issue with it. It may make sense why a wife would get anxious if her husband is not producing adequate income and she may yell at him but it does not mean that her behavior gets a pass. If the husband understands her feelings he feels less threatened and realizes it is not all about him. He can still discuss with her his concerns about her outbursts. Both sides usually need to stretch and meet each other half way. Once they can have compassion for each other they can be a little more sensitive to each other in the future and have a better chance of making the stretch.

Although so much of this make sense, I have a question that has stumped me for some time and would appreciate any feedback. On an intellectual level, and in an ideal world, the concept that no one is right or wrong, and that according to him or her, what he or she did or said (or didn’t do or say) makes sense in his or her “world”. I understand that using validation via the Imago Dialog gives your partner “permission” and a sense of safety to “feel their feelings”, without fearing being judged or condemned. However, as mentioned, this technique of validation is often very difficult to use in practice (our egos certainly can get in the way!), and I struggle with it at times, especially when I do believe that something my partner did or said (or, by a “sin of omission”, did not do or say) was very wrong (translation: hurtful, cruel, abusive, neglectful, callous, insensitive, etc.). How can I say to my partner that “this makes sense and you make sense” when it not only doesn’t make sense to me but actually feels downright wrong or even crazy to me? I know this may seem too much like rigid,”black & white” thinking on my part, but I DO believe that there are some things in this world that are truly “right” or “wrong” and not open to discussion, negotiation or interpretation (the Ten Commandments, for example!). Cannot this technique of validation (which sometimes feels to me like an acceptance, condoning and enabling of the other one’s bad behavior),via my validation, compassion & empathy, be misinterpreted by my partner as giving my permission for him/ her to continue this bad behavior?

Maybe, I’m going off on a tangent with this, but I do have a hard time with the concept at times and would like to understand and make peace with it, since I do agree that it can be a very wonderful, healing practice for partners to share and practice with each other.  Thanks in advance for any comments or suggestions – much appreciated!

Validating does not have to mean you agree or condone. You are essentially telling your partner that you have a right to feel the way you do and it makes sense why you feel that way, based on the way you see things in your world, even if in your eyes it may seem warped.  Everyone has their story, we just need to listen long enough. See the previous response for more about condoning behaviors.

How about dealing with a spouse who is often irritable, angry and short tempered but denies and takes no responsibility for that toxic behavior? i believe he is depressed and his mood manifests as anger rather than sadness, but unfortunately rather than be vulnerable and seek help he blames and criticizes. is there help in a case where one partner would gladly seek professional help and the other refuses?

It is very challenging where one partner wants to seek help and the other refuses.  While it is frustrating to bear the brunt of the behavior especially when he is not willing to get help, you can not force him into therapy. The only thing you can do is to state your feelings in a loving caring manner where you take ownership, have compassion for your partner as to why he may be depressed, and learn about what role you may play in triggering the behavior. While it would be nice if his behavior were to stop as it is greatly damaging to the relationship, the more that you can do on your own to improve the relationship, the less anger he may feel. Try validating his feelings instead of challenging him to take responsibility and see if that works.  You can also read some of the material in Is My Marriage Over: The Five Step Action Plan for Saving Your Marriage where I address those who are going at it alone as well as my free e-course What if My Spouse isn’t Interested- 6 Things You Can Do to Create a Happy Marriage with an Unwilling Partner

Have you ever wondered what prompts couples to give up on their marriage? While there are certain events that can push a marriage over the edge, many couples are successfully able to weather a lousy marriage for a long time. Other than infidelity, I have observed that therapy is often the cause for one spouse to throw in the towel and give up. No, I am not referring to bad marriage therapy that often sounds like a screaming match behind closed doors, though that also does its share of damage. I am talking about the effect individual therapy can have on a marriage.

Here is one example I have heard over the years from more than one couple:

“We’ve been married twenty years and it has been pretty bad, but now I have no desire to work on the relationship and I am ready for divorce.” They went together for years of bad marriage counseling that didn’t help, yet they still stayed together. What changed now?

“A few years ago I started seeing an individual therapist …..” The wife was told by her therapist that it would be better to work with her privately and “fix” her own personal problems than it would be to work together on her marriage with the husband. The therapist even asked the husband what he would like his wife to work on. Let’s just say that this method was a disaster. She became so attached to the therapist that had encouraged her to “work on herself,” and concluded that it was her husband that was the problem. She was done with her marriage and there was no possible way I could even invite her to do couples work with her husband.

While individual therapy is helpful for individuals, it is often counterproductive for couples going through marital problems.

Here are three ways in which individual therapy may make your relationship issues worse:

1) Is your individual therapist advising you about your spouse?

I am amazed at how therapists can draw conclusions about the other spouse without ever meeting him or her. I am always shocked to hear that a therapist will support their client’s decision to divorce their spouse without first advising the couple to work together on resolving their conflict. I have heard about  therapists who have convinced one spouse to leave the other without even meeting him/her or inviting him/her to join a therapy session!

Although therapists are supposed to be neutral and should take their ego and/or personal agendas out of the session, there are male therapists who have an axe to grind with verbally abusive women and there are female therapists who have a dislike for “controlling” men.

Even if a therapist does not have an agenda, there often seems to be a complete disregard for the big picture: that when you break up a marriage you are often breaking up a family. My heart is broken when I hear about young couples with little kids getting divorced. Such decisions have devastating effects on future generations. As I hear of families breaking apart, I am working with children of divorce who are trying to salvage their own marriages. They did not grow up witnessing a healthy relationship.   Even if they were fortunate to not become addicts or to end up in abusive relationships themselves, they are suffering from their parents’ inability to repair their own marriage.

2) Placing doubts about your spouse:

I feel so strongly about this because I have heard many stories of relationships that could have been repaired had one spouse not been poisoned by his/her therapist about the other. We are not talking about cases of physical abuse or of potential threat to one’s life.  We are talking about “normal” things that most couples deal with such as  yelling, criticizing, blaming, shaming, etc.. While these may all be forms of verbal abuse, they can often be dealt with and couples’s behavior can change. When both spouses are not present, you can end up like the husband whose individual therapist convinced him that his wife was abusive and that she had a personality disorder. Whether or not it was true, those words had a profund effect on the husband and it forever tarnished the way he viewed his wife. While before he had hope that the relationship could improve, he was now convinced she had a “disorder” and there was no point in trying anymore as she was the one with the problem, not him.

A relationship requires two people, and in order to change it the dynamic has to change. It is rarely only one person’s fault. We can trigger some ugly behavior in our spouse but that does not mean that our marriage needs to be trashed. With the right perspective, the desire, and the proper tools it is very possible to save even the worst marriages.

3)   Removing your relationship from the center:

The best way to fix a relationship is for both spouses to work on their marriage together. This involves more than solving issues or changing behavior. Couples repair their marriage by learning how to relate to each other in healthier ways. Once that occurs, the problems that arise can be dealt with effectively. That is why it is essential for couples to learn the skills necessary to relate to each other. In most marriages, both partners contribute to the conflict they are experiencing. By not dealing with each other directly, rather seeking individual help, couples shift the focus from where it needs to be. It is common for one spouse to feel that their therapist is able to provide them the warm, understanding, and available presence they are looking for in their marriage. The goal of good couples work is that the spouse can become that presence that the other is looking for, not the therapist.

Am I advising you do to fire your individual therapist? No, but I am advising you to be aware of the issues that may occur if you are seeing one. Even the most well-intentioned individual therapists can be harmful if they are advising you about your spouse when he/she isn’t there. If you are seeing an individual therapist for your marriage, the best thing you can do is focus on your personal issues. Ask them not to make any suggestions about your spouse. Unless there is physical abuse or potential threat to one’s life, it is irresponsible for a therapist to encourage divorce without hearing both sides of the story. Even if divorce is not encouraged, it is not helpful when a therapist speaks poorly about your spouse or gives you advice.  It leads to insecurity and second-guessing. If you come home disagreeing with your spouse saying, “Well, my therapist said…,” then you need to become a little more aware of the influence your individual therapy is having on your marriage.

Ultimately, you and your spouse need to discuss and decide together what is best for your relationship, as you will be the ones to live with whatever decision you make. Although your therapist may be well-meaning, a therapist is a human being and does not always have all the answers, especially if they have only heard half of the story. Trust in the potential that your relationship has to heal, and focus your energy on your marriage. Whatever you do, don’t let your therapist destroy your marriage!

An internationally renowned Imago relationship therapist, author, and lecturer, Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, LCPC, “The Relationship Rabbi”, works with couples in person in Baltimore, Maryland and coaches them worldwide via SKYPE.  To contact Rabbi Slatkin, please call 443-570-7598 or visit TheRelationshipRabbi.com.  Parts of this article have been excerpted from Rabbi Slatkin’s new book Is My Marriage Over: The Five Step Action Plan to Saving Your Marriage, available for download at http://www.therelationshiprabbi.com/is-my-marriage-over

But it doesn’t make sense!

For many, it can be difficult just to say those words because they disagree with what was being shared.  If I disagree and have my own explanation, how can it make sense? Making sense does not mean being right or wrong; rather it means that you are validating the right of your spouse to have those feelings. Perhaps you saw things differently but this was her perspective.  It is possible for both of you to be “right” as in the realm of emotions we are dealing with one’s subjective truth and interpretation. Of course, you don’t want to say, “in your world you make sense” because that implies disagreement.

Everybody eventually makes sense

We say in Imago that if you listen long enough, everyone makes sense. Usually when we hear the deeper story or childhood memory that the current event is triggering, there is usually little question as to how your spouse’s feelings make sense.

You make sense because…

One component that is extremely powerful but sometimes risky to add is a statement of personal responsibility. This means to take responsibility for the action that triggered your spouse’s reaction. So for example, say you made a comment that left your spouse feeling insulted. Instead of defending yourself and explaining your true intention, you merely say, “what you’re saying makes sense and you make sense because I did say such and such.”

Keep it short and sweet.  If you offer too much explanation, you risk going into your own world and explaining away. While we often like to smooth over a situation  by apologizing or explaining our mistake or our true intentions, this is not what is needed at the time. At the moment of emotion, what is needed is to validate.

What to do in the heat of anger

Pirkei Avos (4:18) teaches us: ” Do not try to pacify your friend at the time of his anger and do not comfort him while his dead lies before him.” Rashi explains that such an effort will be in vain because a person will not accept an apology in the heat of anger.

If your spouse is upset with you, apologizing in the moment will not usually be effective. The best way is to mirror back their feelings and validate them without any explanation on your part of why you did what you did. A person in the heat of  emotion is consumed with themselves and their feelings. They are not interested in hearing what the other has to say, they are fully focused on themselves. By validating them you are giving them space to feel what they are feeling.  Try validating and see how it works. Once things are calm you can always apologize and explain your intentions.

I have seen the difference validating makes in my own marriage and I also know how hard it is, especially on the receiving end of intense emotion, but it is the most helpful response I have found.  Hope you will see the positive results it can have on your relationship!

Leaving Anger and Resentment Behind

One of the hardest shifts for couples to make is to move past their anger and resentment with their spouse. They will often look at their spouse as the one who has wronged them, even feeling that they are the enemy. How is it possible to eliminate these harsh negative feelings? When we can reimage our spouse as a child in pain, we can begin to take ourselves out of our hole that we have dug and develop compassion for their story.

Do we really have to talk about childhood?

Occasionally, I have a client who doesn’t want to “comply” with the program. They challenge me about the need to share their childhood story. As we can’t change the past, perhaps it is irrelevant to revisit it. My response is that it will help your spouse view you in a whole new light. Instead of feeling threatened by the frustration you voiced about them, your spouse will realize that there is something deeper occurring. It is not all about how they wronged you but about how what they did makes you feel. When they hear the story about that little boy or girl, they can’t help but become more sensitive in the future to their role in triggering your reaction. Even if you feel it is unhelpful for you, it will help them reimage you as a little child, and will begin to assist them in opening up their heart to you once again.

If your spouse won’t share their childhood story, don’t force it. Know what you know about their story and try to imagine what they must be feeling. Even though it is hard and you may feel slighted, if you make the effort to develop compassion for your spouse, your negativity, anger, and frustration will evaporate into thin air.

Click here to watch the video on Baltimore Jewish Life

http://baltimorejewishlife.com/news/news-detail.php?SECTION_ID=1&ARTICLE_ID=25567

Acting out our unmet needs
Imago recently created an 8-week parenting program: Connected Parents, Thriving Kids. I had the opportunity to participate in the first teacher training this past spring/summer and one of the points the instructor stressed was that when children act out, there is a need that is not being met. Behavior cessation will not address the real concern of the child as the unmet need has not been fulfilled. So, if your child hits his/her sibling, instead of only dealing with the unacceptable action, it is important to understand what is motivating the child. Unfortunately, some schools are so focused on behavioral modification that they do not really deal with the situation. While they may create a compliant child if they are lucky, the emotional undercurrent will not be dealt with. Yes, you may create a child who follows the rules, but they may grow up emotionally troubled and wind up spending much of their young adult life in psychotherapy.

Why we hurt our spouse
While in medicine, doctors may focus on treating the symptoms, if they do not address the root cause of the problem, it will not go away. Similarly, whether dealing with your spouse or your child, if you do not bother to understand what it is motivating them, you will not be able to truly deal with the problem in the most effective way. As adults, we also act out. We are hurt, we have needs, and we do not know how to express them in a mature, adult way. We act out and invariably hurt our spouse. Instead of looking down at these behaviors, it is incumbent upon us to get curious and understand why our spouse is doing what they are doing and what we are doing to contribute to this unending cycle of pain and frustration we often feel in our relationships.

Seeing is Believing
This is why after telling me their situation over the phone, one spouse will not believe me that their marriage can be better. How is it possible after 20+ years for there to be radical change? It is possible and not because I am hopeful or want their business but because I see with my very own eyes that couples can experience a complete transformation by changing the way they view each other and their situation. Our myopic vision prevents us from seeing what is really going on. When we can reimage our partner and our situation we wake up to see a new reality, one of hope and possibility.

It’s Friday night, you are invited to a friend’s home for the Shabbos meal.  The table was set before chatzos, the children listen attentively to Kiddush and sit quietly at the table throughout the meal. The delicious food was served by the wife as the husband engaged the children in zemiros and divrei Torah. The husband complimented the wife before proceeding to clean up the table. Everything seems perfect! “If only our Shabbos table could look like this,” you think to yourself.  I could go on and on depicting other scenarios where we find ourselves wishing our lives could be like the family next door.  While sometimes envy serves as a positive motivator for growth and change, it is more often is a symptom of dissatisfaction with our lot and a lack of inner peace.  Sukkos is an opportune time for us to learn how to achieve inner peace. It commemorates our journey through the midbar under the protection of the annanei hakavod. These Clouds of Glory were in the merit of Aharon haKohen, the consummate peacemaker.  The Sukkah itself is referred to as a sukkah of peace, sukkas shalom, as we ask Hashem in our evening prayers “ufros alenu Sukkas shlomecha”, spread upon us Your Sukkah of peace.  What lessons can we learn from the Sukkah that will help us experience peace in our lives?

The Root Cause of Jealousy

Hillel (Pirkei Avos 1:12) implores us to be like the students of Aharon: “Oheiv shalom v’rodeif shalom, oheiv et ha b’riyos u-m’karvan la-Torah,” loving peace and pursuing peace, loving people and bringing them closer to Torah.The commentators explain that Aharon would make peace by approaching the warring parties and telling them that the other desires to make peace. Although one is allowed to alter the truth for the sake of peace (Yevamos 65b), how is it possible that Aharon’s “career” of peacemaking was built on falsehood? The Koidenover Rebbe explains homiletically (Mattos/Masei 5761) that deep down inside, every Jew wants and desires to serve Hashem and love his fellow. The reason jealousy exists is not due to genuine contempt for the other; rather it stems from a feeling that our friend’s success takes away from our success. In other words, we feel that our friend took what belongs to us. On a deeper level, Aharon was able to make peace because he was able to show everyone that they have their own unique way of serving G-d. By bringing them to their individual portion in Torah, they no longer had any desire to be jealous as they realized that which their friend had was entirely irrelevant to their personal mission. Aharon’s peace efforts began by bringing each person closer to their portion in Torah, m’karvan l’Torah. Once he accomplished that, they naturally were able to love their fellow, ohev es hab’riyos.

When we are happy with what we have, we have no reason to be jealous. Yet, we do not have Aharon haKohen to help get us in touch with our inner mission. How do we go about feeling content with our lot in life?

Finding Inner Peace

If we return to our original example of the Shabbos table or any other scenario where you are comparing your situation to that of others, it is crucial to take time and reflect on why this grating on your nerves. Why do I have such intense feelings of envy? As you think back on your own upbringing and life experiences you may begin to see the connection between the past and your current longings. You could also choose to process your feelings in another manner by questioning the very premise of your thoughts. How much are you imagining and how much is real? Is your neighbor’s life so perfect that you would like everything they have, including their challenges? Do you know what goes on behind closed doors? While the grass may seem greener on the other side, upon further examination you may discover that every family has their own worries, struggles, and challenges and that although their life may appear rosy on the outside, on the inside the picture may be rather different.  We often walk around thinking we are the only one with problems. It is refreshing when we realize that the family next door is just like us.

Ultimately, if we are not able to get in touch with our triggers or cannot effectively debunk our unrealistic assumptions about others, our only recourse is emunah, the faith that Hashem does not give us anything we can’t handle; rather He gives us exactly what we need to fulfill our mission in this world. If we are blessed with children, we are G-d’s caretakers for these special souls. We were uniquely chosen as the ones who can best bring out their potential and help them grow. We also grow in the process through becoming more attuned to our children’s needs and stretching beyond our natural tendencies. The same applies to your marriage. Your spouse is the one who can bring out the best in you and challenge you to become more complete. While you may experience growing pains, this person was uniquely chosen for you. (We are discussing the normal conflict that couples experience, not abuse). Hashem knows what is best for us and what we need to fully actualize our potential. While we may strive and work hard to achieve what we think we need or want, it is ultimately G-d that will determine the outcome. If we are able to instill that faith within us, we can begin to feel at peace with ourselves.

Sukkos is a time when we leave our home for our diras arai, the temporary dwelling of the Sukkah. It is a time to reflect on what we have and who truly gives it to us. It is no wonder that the Zohar (Emor 103a) refers to one who sits in the Sukkah as one who sits in the Tzila dimhemnusa, the “shelter of faith.” As we sit in the shelter of emunah this Sukkos, may we be enveloped by and experience the sukkah of peace in all of our relationships.