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Hillel used to say: “If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And if I am only for myself, what am I? And if not now, when?” (Ethics of the Fathers 1:14)

Looking for advice on how to have a happy marriage? Hillel’s famous aphorism in Ethics of the Fathers provides us great insight into human relationships and especially marriage.

When you become mindful of these three questions, you will create the balance and perspective needed for a successful relationship.

1) If I am not for myself, who will be for me?

No one else can change your reality but you. You cannot rely on anyone else to help you, especially if you do not help yourself. What can you do to change the situation? Part of emotional maturity in a relationship is taking personal responsibility. While it may be easy to focus on what your spouse is doing wrong, the only person you have the power to change is yourself. Waiting for your spouse to change will only bring you heartache. This victim mentality is paralyzing as it holds us back from seeking a real solution for our situation and it leads to further resentment and ill will.

I am always amazed when I hear stories about successful people who have overcome adversity. How did they get through those challenges in their life? They did not wallow in self-pity. They picked themselves up and did what they could to achieve what they wanted in their life.

In a marriage, it takes two to tango. We both contribute to the situation in which we find ourselves, for good or for bad. If your relationship is strained, what are you doing to bring this rupture about? What can you do differently to change the situation? How can you be the best spouse you can be? When you develop an attitude of personal responsibility, it has a ripple effect in the relationship. It is actually a more effective way of bringing about change in your spouse than blaming them for your woes and expecting them to do the work.

2) And if I am only for myself, what am I?

The trap of personal responsibility is that we can become self-righteous. When our spouse is upset, we may quip, “I have worked on myself. This is your ‘stuff’ and you need to deal with it.” Our personal growth should not come at the expensive of being callous to another in pain.

Being in relationship is the greatest opportunity to develop compassion for another human being. Lend a caring ear, validate their feelings, and provide empathy for their situation. Knowing they can count on you to be there for them in their pain, is often what they may need to heal and move forward.

3) And if not now, when?

There is no better moment to heal your relationship than now. Couples fool themselves by thinking their relationship can coast on auto-pilot and they can work on it later. Life is busy and it may seem like there are more pressing issues to attend to than your relationship.

Big mistake. Don’t wait until your kids get older and leave the house. Don’t wait until you make more money and can afford to get help. We never know how much time we have on this planet. Tragic stories of people who are here today and gone tomorrow wake us up and provide us with a greater appreciation of the present. Now is the time to create your ideal relationship. Now is the time to start being kinder and more appreciative to your spouse. Now is the time to make your marriage a priority. Asking yourself, “If not now, when?” reminds you of your sacred duty to wake up and take action. Don’t look back on the missed opportunity and regret years of your relationship that could have been remarkable.

It is easy for a relationship to live on default mode. Hillel is challenging us to be mindful of three very important questions that allow us to assume responsibility for our role in the relationship, while simultaneously encouraging us to be there for our spouse. And if we have any hesitation, he exhorts us to begin now.

If you want to begin now to work on your relationship and need additional support getting started, contact Rabbi Slatkin at 443-570-7598 or fill out the form below.

If you have been waiting to schedule your 2-day Marriage Restoration Intensive, now is the perfect time. It’s hard to take off two days of work. That is why this Memorial day weekend (Sunday May 26/Monday May 27) is an ideal time to devote 2 days to working on your relationship.

Are you looking for help? Are you looking for answers? Are you looking for a way to get out of the pain that you’re in? This two day session of work helped me to understand and realize that there is a way, a way to a new you, where I can be happy again.

Thank you Rabbi! (From a participant at this week’s Marriage Restoration intensive)

Here is what my last week’s 2-Day Marriage Restoration intensive had to say:

“I am feeling very hurt from the painful history in our 9 years of marriage. My husband’s anger and quick temper made me very doubtful that he’d be able to handle the mirroring process. But it really worked to keep him from lashing back when I shared my hurt.I was for the 1st time able to feel like he was starting to hear me.”

“We have tried many things for many years and I literally had to drag my wife along. After the 1st day of the Marriage restoration intensive, she looked forward to waking up in the morning again for the first time in a long time.”

The 2-Day Marriage Restoration intensive is a unique opportunity to turn your marriage around. Even if you’ve tried everything else, there is another solution that can provide you hope that your marriage can be dramatically different.

I would like to say how much I appreciate participating in the 2 day intensive with Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin. It helped me a lot to understand what issues I have and what was missing in our relationship, what I’ve done wrong, and what I need to do. The book materials, techniques, exercises and examples were so helpful. Positive atmosphere during sessions, guidance and help from Rabbi, dialogues and open minded conversations brought a lot of positives and hopes. I believe we found the right way to go in our marriage and relationship.

Thank you so much! (from this week’s 2-Day Marriage Restoration intensive)

Join these happy couples who have turned their marriages around! If you book your spot by Friday May 17th, you will receive a discount of $100 off of your intensive. To schedule your 2-day Marriage Restoration intensive please call Rabbi Slatkin at 443-570-7598 or fill in the form below.
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4 ways to revive your marriage.

Remember when you first got married, ready to conquer the world? There was nothing that you and your spouse could not overcome. Your love was strong and you swore you would never become a statistic. Yet, a few years later, or perhaps ten, twenty or more, you may be wondering: Where did the vibrancy we once felt go?

If you feel more like a roommate or a business partner than a husband or wife, you are not alone. You may not have terminated your relationship – perhaps you’re staying together for your children or because you don’t want to be alone, perhaps you’ve found other ways to get your needs met, whether it be friends, hobbies, children – but deep down you may feel a profound sense of loss about what could have been.

Marriage can be challenging and if you don’t make a conscious effort to work on the relationship, it can become downright painful. As couples begin to push each other’s buttons, trading jabs and emanating negativity, they eventually choose to emotionally disconnect to protect themselves from further pain. Despite the loss of meaningful connection, it is easier to “check out” than engage and open yourself up to more hurt.

But if your marriage could be better, wouldn’t you make the effort? One of the main issues that couples in crisis struggle with is the lack of hope. They don’t sincerely believe that their relationship can be different. As Jews, we believe in the power of change. Otherwise, we are fooling ourselves every Yom Kippur. It takes courage to have hope as there is always a risk that the changes you desire in your relationship will not occur. The good news is that there are things you can do to revive your marriage and reignite the passion that was once there.

Become aware of where you focus your energy. Are you looking every which way but your spouse? Begin to notice how you spend your free time and how those activities may fulfill the needs you are not getting at home. Are you staying late at work to avoid being at home with your spouse? Are you exercising constantly?

While many of your extracurricular activities may even be healthy or praiseworthy, recognize if you are so busy that you have made it virtually impossible to have time with your partner. Take small steps to spend more time together and focus on your spouse in a positive and connected way. It may be hard at first so find activities that you may enjoy doing together until you begin to enjoy each other’s company again.

Guard your tongue. It is easy to complain to others about your marriage or to criticize your spouse. Stop the cycle of negativity by thinking of five positive qualities before you utter a disparaging word. Negativity begets negativity. When we think negative thoughts and express negative feelings we reinforce those neuropathways in our brain. Although it may be hard to overcome past hurts, by dwelling on them incessantly, you make it impossible to get beyond them and create the relationship you want.

Become a grateful person. Nothing is too small in life to appreciate. The more we express appreciation to our spouse, we not only change our relationship, we change ourselves. Clients have shared with me that sharing daily appreciations with their spouse have had a long-term effect of transforming them into appreciative people. By focusing on what is right, we begin to see and experience the blessings in our life. Gratefulness can also serve to reinforce positive interaction. Your spouse will be much more likely to meet your needs when you express appreciation for the good he/she is doing as opposed to criticizing what he/she is doing wrong.

Perform loving acts. Dr. Steven Covey tells the following story in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People:

After a marriage workshop, a man approached Dr. Covey and told him that he know longer loved his wife. “I just don’t love her anymore.” Dr. Covey replied, “then love her.” The husband was a bit confused, “ But I told you, I don’t love her. The spark is gone.” Again Dr. Covey replied, “Then love her.”

Sometimes the best way to revive our love for each other is through action. Even if you think you care or express your feelings of love verbally, consistent loving acts are concrete ways to rebuild the trust that you are fully present in this relationship. Action itself is an expression of your thoughts and your feelings as that is what motivated you to do the act in the first place. A loving act is a powerful expression of caring and can provide the security so needed in a relationship that may have been neglected for years.

It is never too late to decide to work on your marriage. By refocusing your energy on your partner, guarding your tongue from negativity, becoming more grateful, and performing loving acts, it is always possible to reignite the spark and actualize the hope and dreams that you originally had for your marriage.

If you are tired of living as roomates and would like to feel like soulmates again, contact Rabbi Slatkin below
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If you have an inspirational marriage story about your own marriage transformation or you know of other marriage stories that you would like to share to provide hope for other couples, please send your story below in the contact form. It should be a minimum of 500 words. All submissions are confidential and are due by April 19th.

Yet, I have hope for every couple that it is possible to get unstuck even when it looks like such a feat would be miraculous. This is the miracle of Pesach. Our Sages teach us that the Jewish people were on the 49th level of spiritual impurity and that if G-d Himself did not take us out of Egypt we would still be enslaved. Why did G-d take us out even if we were unworthy? Because of His infinite love for us. The power of love is so strong that it enables one to over look all imperfections.

You probably remember when you fell in love with your spouse. Were you able to foresee the problems you may currently be experiencing in your marriage? Were you able to predict the negative character traits that you now see? This is the power of love and you can harness it now.

If you can reawaken the love in your relationship, if you can begin to focus on positive feelings and love for your spouse, you may be surprised at how quickly you can leave the narrow straits of negativity and begin to feel reconnected.

Focus on implementing love infusions, step 5, of The Five Step Action Plan to Saving Your Marriage. Begin to focus on what is right in the relationship. Ultimately, what really matters is relationship and connection. Beneath all of the negativity in pain is the desire to be in a safe, loving, and connected marriage. Short-circuit the process and head straight to positive activities.

One of my mentors in the Imago community shared with me that she is moving more and more to focusing sessions on purely positive topics as many couples have a hard time working through the negativity and invariably get stuck. When you are able to realize that you can have positive interaction, you may discover new found hope for your relationship. This Passover, pass over all of the negativity and resentment and leap forward to a new relationship filled with love and appreciation!

If you are interested in transforming your relationship from one of hurt and pain to one of love and connection, please contact Rabbi Slatkin at 443-570-7598 or fill in the form below.

כהורים, עומדים בפנינו כל הזמן אתגרים חדשים לאורך תהליך ההתפתחות של הילדים. אנחנו “נאלצים” למצוא פתרונות להתנגדות ללכת לישון, לגמילה מחיתולים, להתקפי זעם וכו’. לשם כך אנחנו קוראים ספרים ולומדים אסטרטגיות וטכניקות. אנחנו עושים כל מה שניתן כדי לא “לקלקל” את הילדים שלנו, כדי להיות הורים טובים יותר מההורים שלנו. אנחנו רוצים שהם יגדלו עם ביטחון עצמי בריא, אהבה ליהדות, תכונות אופי טובות וכולי. זהו הסוד של שלום בית

חינוך מוצלח מורכב משני גורמים: 50% תפילה, ו-50% שלום בית

אולם איפשהו בדרך, אנחנו שוכחים את המרכיב החשוב ביותר בהורות מוצלחת: נישואין מוצלחים.

להלן שלוש סיבות מדוע נישואין מוצלחים חיוניים להורות מוצלחת.

1) דוגמא אישית: לאופן בו אנחנו מתייחסים אל בן הזוג שלנו קיימת השפעה ישירה על ילדינו. אם הופתעתם לשמוע איך הילד שלכם חוזר על משהו שאמרתם, אתם ודאי מבינים למה אני מתכוון. ילדים רואים בהוריהם מודלים להתנהגות בעולם הזה. אם הילדים רואים את הוריהם צועקים זה על זה או דורשים דברים באופן בוטה מבלי לומר תודה או בבקשה, די סביר שהם יתנהגו בצורה דומה במערכות היחסים שלהם.

למרות שאולי נוח לנו להאמין שהם למדו את זה בבית הספר או בביתם של חברים, הצעד ההכרחי הראשון הוא חשבון נפש. חשבו לרגע על כל ההתנהגויות הלא נאותות של ילדיכם, ושאלו את עצמכם אם אתם ובני זוגכם מתייחסים זה לזה בצורה דומה. אנחנו יכולים ללמד באופן מילולי את הילדים שלנו מה “ראוי”, אבל אם לא נגלם את ההתנהגות הזאת בעצמנו ולא נקיים את מה שאנו דורשים, הם יחושו בחוסר ההתאמה בין המילים שלנו למציאות בשטח ולא יתנהגו כפי שהיינו רוצים.

אינכם עוזרים להם רק במערכות היחסים הבינאישיות שלהם כיום, אלא מחדירים בהם את המיומנויות המתאימות שנחוצות לנישואין תקינים בבוא העת. דוגמא אישית היא הדרך הישירה ביותר בה חיי הנישואין שלכם משפיעים על ילדיכם.

2) המערכת המשפחתית: בעוד שההשפעה של המריבות בין ההורים על המשפחה ברורה למדי בבית בו חיי הנישואין נמצאים במשבר, יתכן שקשה יותר להבחין בה בבית בו נשמר “שלום קר”. למרות שלא תמיד ההורים מודעים לזה, הילדים יותר חכמים ומבינים עניין ממה שנראה, ולמרות שהנישואין לכאורה לא נפגעים, הם מרגישים שמשהו במערכת היחסים אינו תקין, שההורים “עושים הצגות”.

האם הנישואין שלכם מלאי חיים או סתם נסבלים?

אפילו אם הנישואין שלכם “יציבים”, האם הם חיים וזורמים? הגדרתו של שלום בית אינה העדר מריבות. שלום הוא כששני כוחות מנוגדים פועלים יחד בהרמוניה. זוהי תחושת השלמות שמאפשרת חיים מלאי שמחה ואושר.

הורים שמחזקים את היסודות עליהם ניצב ביתם יגלו שהרבה יותר קל להם כהורים, ולמרות שעדיין יהיו מצבים בהם הילדים שלכם לא יתנהגו כראוי, יהיו לכם כלים הרבה יותר טובים כדי להתמודד איתם. כמה ויכוחים חגים סביב השאלה כיצד לחנך את הילד? הורה אחד מרגיש שהשני מרשה הכל, בעוד שהשני מרגיש שהראשון קשוח מדי. כשבעל ואישה לומדים איך לנהל את מערכת היחסים ביניהם, לשוחח זה עם זה ולהבין זה את זה, הם יוכלו להציג חזית מאוחדת בחינוך ילדיהם. אחרת, תמיד יהיה הורה אחד שירגיש שמאמציו מסוכלים.

3) מניעת נזקים: למרות כוונותינו הטובות, לא נוכל שלא להזיק לילדינו. אנחנו רק בני אדם ואיננו יכולים לזהות את כל צרכיהם ולספק אותם. זאת אומרת שסביר שלא נעניק להם את כל האהבה והביטחון שהם צריכים. תפקידנו הוא לעשות כמיטב יכולתנו. אחת הדרכים למזער את הנזק היא לפתח מודעות רבה יותר לעצמנו ולדרך בה אנו מתנהגים במערכת יחסים.

המציאות היא שהילדים שלנו יעשו כל מיני דברים ש’יקפיצו’ אותנו. מדוע התנהגות מסוימת שמפריעה לך אינה מפריע לבן/בת זוגך? הסיבה לכך שדברים מסוימים מקפיצים אותנו ואחרים לא, היא שאלו הם הדברים שמונחים על “סף הצמיחה” שלנו. אולי הילד מזכיר לנו התנהגות שלנו בילדותנו שנתקלה במסרים שליליים מהורינו. אולי אצלכם לא היה בסדר לבכות או להחצין רגשות, וכשאנחנו רואים שהילד הבלתי מרוסן והתוסס שלנו בוכה, זה עלול לעורר בנו שיפוטיות פנימית ביחס לאותה ההתנהגות. השאלה היא, כיצד אנחנו מגיבים?

האם אנחנו מגיבים מנקודה מודעת, מתוך הבנת כלל ה-90/10 – שעשרה אחוז מכל מה שמפריע לנו הם הגירוי עצמו ויתר 90 האחוזים הם מה שהוא מעורר בנו? או שאנחנו מעבירים באופן בלתי מודע את אותו מסר שקיבלנו בעצמנו כשהיינו ילדים? רובנו מעבירים מסרים שליליים לאורך הדורות. אולם זוהי אחת המסורות שלא היינו רוצים להעביר לילדינו.

אחת הדרכים להפוך להורה מודע יותר היא להפוך לבן/ת זוג מודע יותר. אם נתבונן מקרוב, נגלה שהילדים לוחצים לנו על הכפתורים, בדיוק כמו בני הזוג שלנו. אם תעבדו עם בני זוגכם על אפשרויות הצמיחה האישית שנובעת מתוך מערכת היחסים ביניכם, תוכלו לגשת לילדיכם כהורה שלם ומושלם יותר, הורה שפועל באופן מודע ולא אוטומטי.

המתנה הנפלאה ביותר שביכולתכם להעניק לילדיכם ולדורות הבאים היא לעבוד על מערכת היחסים הזוגית שלכם. כוונות טובות אינן מספיקות, הציבו את הנישואין שלכם בעדיפות הראשונה.

אם אתה זקוק לסיוע נוסף עם הנישואים שלך אנא צור עמי קשר ב- http://www.therelationshiprabbi.com/marriage-help/



“I do not believe all individual therapy is harmful for a marriage. The problem arises when a third party supplies his or her input in a way that does more damage than good.”

My article How My Therapist Destroyed My Marriage provoked a few strong responses from fellow mental health professionals. I truly wish I would have received more detractors and that my conclusions were way off base. Unfortunately, in the aftermath of the article I have been inundated with emails and phone calls from therapists as well as individuals who have had similar experiences to what was described.

I do not believe all individual therapy is harmful for a marriage nor do I believe that it is the primary cause for bad marriages or divorce. Bad marriages lead to divorce and the main culprit is the couple.

The problem arises when a trusted professional or other third party—be it therapist, clergy or other person of influence—supplies his or her input in a way that does more damage than good.

I am not suggesting that the majority of therapists are guilty of this, but even a significant minority is enough to be alarming. At the crux of this issue is the question of how we conceptualize a couple and how we therapists treat them.

Working with a couple requires an entirely different set of lenses than therapists may have been trained to use when working with an individual. In fact, some of my colleagues have told me that they are reluctant to work with couples because they do not have the skill set, despite the fact that they are highly respected veteran therapists.

This, to me, provides insight into why I have seen many marriages that were left for dead by other therapists that have subsequently been able to heal. I don’t want to believe that the initial hopeless assessment is a function of incompetent professionals or uncommitted couples. I do believe it’s the framework through which the relationships are addressed that makes the difference.

Ideally, couples should seek out a therapist who embraces a therapy model that emphasizes that the couple is the expert, not the therapist. Instead of advising or prescribing, the therapist focuses on creating enough safety in the session for the couple to do the work themselves. They speak to each other in a structured way of communicating that curbs reactivity and invites connection. The therapist guides the process, deepens the sharing, helps the listener really hear and have compassion for his/her spouse, but does not diagnose or take sides.

This dynamic enables the therapist to empower the couple as a unit, as opposed to focusing on “what’s wrong” with either party. When treating individually, it can be difficult for a therapist to remain neutral, either because of his own countertransference (emotional triggers) or because one client may appear as the “identified patient.” When treated together, while either of these things may happen, it’s less likely: The therapist can successfully hold space for the couple as a whole by conceptualizing the situation differently. The therapist focuses on the deeper issue: the disconnect that the couple is experiencing. By going to the root of the matter, the relationship is strengthened and becomes safe enough that both parties can effectively tackle the issues. Without safe connection, it is possible to “problem solve” but practically get nowhere.

We are born into connection. As babies in our mothers’ wombs we experience the most intimate form of connection. As we come into this world and begin to individuate, we begin to search for that connection in other relationships. The ultimate way to retrieve that original sense of connection is through marriage. While there are exceptions to every rule, most of us got married because we felt some connection to our spouse. It is this initial connection that gives us hope that even when experiencing difficulties in a relationship, it is possible to heal.

In our disposable society, many of us seem to think that if something is not working, it is not worth fixing. Even if it is worth fixing, we convince ourselves that it is not fixable. But many, if not most marriages, can be fixed.

Marriage requires hard work. It triggers us in ways that no other relationship does. But the growth and healing that come from marriage is more profound than you can experience in any other human relationship. While this article is not the place for an in-depth study of this approach, (for that I encourage readers to look at Getting the Love You Want by Dr. Harville Hendrix), we do see that the issues couples trigger in each other are usually the areas where the other could benefit to grow.

The following is an example. I could provide hundreds of similar scenarios.

A husband and wife are experiencing conflict where they routinely trigger each other. When the husband becomes angry, the wife does what she knows best to protect herself: she hides. See, her mother was an alcoholic and physically and verbally abusive. As a little girl she learned to emotionally check out and avoid contact as it was unsafe.

When she “checks out,” that triggers her husband who had the opposite story. As a little boy, his parents were negligent. If he wanted to get his needs met, he learned that he needed to make a lot of noise, to fight and to nudge. This was how he survived.

As an adult, when the wife checks out emotionally, the husband becomes even more aggressive, making her feel more unsafe and leading her to pull away even more. They both trigger each other and get in a vicious cycle where no one gets his or her needs met and they both feel hurt.

Who is to blame? Does the husband have an anger problem? Is the wife suffering from an avoidant personality? Going that diagnostic route would avoid the deeper issue at hand—their childhood experiences that emerge in their particular dynamic. If the therapist were to tell him to go to anger management classes, the wife would feel vindicated that it really was his fault. If she was diagnosed with a personality disorder, the husband would feel that he was justified in his reactions. It would circumnavigate the real problem, and may fail to encourage the ultimate change that will bring about greater connection rather than resentment.

When the couple was able to talk about the situation in a safe and connected manner, they were able to understand how they both triggered each other and were able to approach the situation from a more neutral perspective. By understanding his wife’s troubled past, the husband was able to make sense of why she wanted to check out when she felt unsafe. Instead of allowing that to trigger him and fight back, he realized that it would be better to share his feelings in a calm manner.

Conversely, she was able to realize that when he was nudging her and being outspoken, he was not her mother, but her loving husband. Instead of disengaging, she was able to make herself feel safe enough to entertain the notion that her marriage was not her childhood.

This story is typical of the discoveries couples make when they are safe enough to get conscious about their situation and see the greater unconscious agenda of their relationship. The conflict they are experiencing is not proof that the relationship is doomed; rather it is an opportunity for growth and healing.

Dr. Carl Rogers’s landmark work demonstrated that the therapeutic alliance between therapist and client is an even more important healing factor in therapy than the actual techniques employed by the therapist. The therapist provides unconditional positive self-regard and empathy. For couples in crisis who are willing to work as a couple together, would it not be preferable for their shared relationship to be the healing factor instead of developing that healing alliance with someone outside of the marriage? We are wounded in relationship and are ultimately healed in relationship. While we can talk about the issues out of context with a third party, couples work allows the couple to heal in real time in the session. It doesn’t create a divide between “problems” and “solution.” It’s all part of one positive process.

Of course, there are many cases where one partner is not interested in counseling. Does that mean the other should not seek help? Of course not. Individual therapy may be helpful in assisting one spouse to learn more about him or herself and what he or she brings to the relationship. It is when the therapist, even with the best intentions, advises, speaks poorly about the spouse, or even insinuates the slightest doubt about the relationship, that it can be contraindicated.

You may say that this is simply not good therapy. I would agree, but my experience and that of my colleagues has been that it is too prevalent to simply categorize as bad therapy and give the general advice to seek out good therapy. It seemed incumbent to make people aware of the specific issues that can arise in individual therapy.

While ultimately it is the client who decides to get divorced, many people are looking for third-party validation to give up working on their marriage. This is especially the case with a professional whose opinion we respect. If someone is in pain and his or her therapist evens hints to a solution involving divorce, it can be tempting to think that by removing the external stressor—that is, the spouse—things will improve. This is especially true as one may feel a connection to his or her therapist, as the therapist is there to support him or her, often in stark contrast to the lacking connection he or she shares with his or her spouse.

Of course, every person is responsible for his or her own marriage and the choices they make. But to ignore the fragile reality of someone in a troubled marriage under that pretext of personal responsibility is naïve. As mentioned, that’s not to say we avoid individual therapy at all costs. But it’s critical to recognize that it can be a dangerous situation.

If your individual therapy is helping your marriage, great! If you are experiencing more tension with your spouse after your sessions, then it may be worth considering the impact it is having on you. If you begin to focus more on your role in the relationship and what you can do to improve the situation, it can be beneficial. Many individuals have been successfully able to work on themselves and consequently bring about greater change in their marriage.

I hope that people will use their best judgment to discern when individual therapy is the best modality to heal their relationship. This is a very serious issue and while I apologize if I have offended my fellow therapists who I am sure are skilled and would not do what I discussed in the article, my pain and concern for the families that are suffering needlessly was my primary motivator.

as published on aish.com

Childbirth is a happy time but also a potentially stressful time for your relationship if you don’t enter the experience consciously. Here are a few tips to make this life-changing experience more enjoyable for the both of you:

Brush Up: You don’t need to know the entire anatomy and physiology of childbirth, but you should be able to identify the signs of the different stages of labor. If you recognize the signs of the different stages of labor, you will be the best possible help for your wife. You will know when you should talk to her, when she will be most likely to accept your help, and when she might benefit from changes of activity. This knowledge will be good for you as well; you don’t want to be standing around helplessly while your wife is going through labor. Brush up on your knowledge so that you won’t be.

Be Prepared: I know this goes without saying, but none-the-less, let me emphasize, the more prepared you are, the better!  This includes having a hospital bag ready to go (don’t forget to pack the bag with items for you, not just for your wife! Yes, snacks and drinks are included), familiarizing yourself with the layout of the hospital, and having the phone numbers of doctors, doulas, or birth assistants at the ready.

It’s not about you: Labor and delivery is something that you will never experience personally. So if your wife yells at you in anger or screams in pain, don’t take it personally. It’s not about you. Honestly.  Sometimes your wife will need to yell and then she will feel better. Sometimes she will moan in pain, don’t worry! She’s doing exactly what she needs to be doing. Your job is to be there for her and reassure her that she’s doing just fine, even if she just spent twenty minutes yelling at you!

Flexibility is Key: Your wife might have made an elaborate birth plan, imagined a natural water birth with a doula, and dreamed about that picture perfect moment when the baby comes out squealing and kicking. You need to go into the labor and delivery ward knowing that your game plan is subject to change. You need to be open, supportive, and flexible. Let your wife know that no matter what happens, you will never be disappointed in her, and she shouldn’t be disappointed in herself.  Whether she needs an unplanned epidural or a c-section, make sure your wife knows that she isn’t a failure. Ideals are nice but remember that ultimately, a healthy baby and a healthy mommy are what are most important.

Just be there: No matter what happens, when your wife is in labor, you are the most important person to her at the moment. Even if you choose to bring in family or a birth-coach, and even if they really are helpful, know that she needs you the most. Your support, your love, and your presence are what will help her get through this milestone. Amidst all the tumult, you may feel lost in the action, but don’t ever underestimate your importance to your wife. She may not be able to express it coherently at the time, so it’s up to you to remember this and to keep it in mind: During labor and delivery, there is no one your wife needs more than you.

So while you’re rushing to the hospital, don’t forget to keep these helpful tips in mind: Brush up, be prepared, it’s not about you, flexibility is key, and just be there. They will help you keep you cool, even when your wife can’t keep hers. B’shaah Tovah umutzlachas!

1) We are in the mixing stage of the new audio product for the Five Step Action Plan to Saving Your Marriage. Your input has been helpful. Click here to read our last post about it.

2) I spoke in Rochester, NY last Sunday night on the topic of Interpersonal Relationships. A video was taken and we hope to post when available.

3) Baltimore Jewish Life’s new online magazine Extra has printed my latest article entitled, A Conscious Childbirth: What Husbands Need to Know about Making it Go Smoothly.

4) Aish published my new article on The 5 Love Languages: How to express your love in the way that speaks to your spouse. A must-read for anyone in relationship.

5) Finally, the OU reprinted my article How My Therapist Destroyed My Marriage.  As you could imagine, many therapists are upset and, in my opinion, have distorted my words to draw conclusions that I did not make.  I am hoping to post a response within the next week, which I plan to share with you.  What do you think? Feel free to contact me below or post your comment on ou.org.