Dating without Drama Installment #5 – 5 Secrets of Successful Dating
In the last installment of Dating without Drama, you learned how to listen in an entirely new way. In this installment of Dating without Drama, we will discuss the fifth Secret of Successful Dating-Be true to yourself.
There are three components we will in touch on for Dating without Drama- 1) know yourself 2) be yourself 3) trust yourself.
1) Know yourself– It is always important that when you are about to embark on a decision such as marriage that you be clear about your goals and what you want out of life. It is also helpful for you to know your growth areas. This will help you be more aware about yourself so that whatever choice you make, you will be making more of an informed choice as less crucial data is lying beneath the surface. But don’t worry too much! Ultimately, you will wind up with the person G-d finds best suited for you and nothing will be 100% perfect anyway.
2) Be yourself– Perhaps you have heard the famous story of Rebbe Zushe of Anipoli. Reb Zushe, who used to talk about himself in third person, once said that when he leaves the world and enters Heaven, the Heavenly Tribunal will not ask him, “Zushe, why weren’t you like your brother the Holy Rebbe Elimelech, rather, Zushe why weren’t you Zushe.”
So many men and women go out on a date and pretend to be someone they are not, thinking that if they are a certain way they may be more likeable. This is a big mistake as if you pretend to be something you are not and wind up getting married you may not be happy. People will like you for you and you want to marry someone who appreciates your unique qualities and essence, not what you are pretending to be. Trust that if your genuine, you will find your perfect match!
3) Trust Yourself– This is a biggie and can often make or break a match. People seek advice from well-meaning family and friends. Unfortunately, everyone thinks they are the expert. A good way to evaluate the usefulness of their advices is whether they are able to listen to you like we discussed in secret #4 or whether they are steering you in their own agenda of what they think is best for you.
Take for example the girl who advised her sister to stop dating a guy because he wore jeans. While the sister eventually stopped dating him for other reasons, she was not bothered by the fact that he wore jeans. The sister made her own decision, realizing that her older sister was needlessly meddling in.
Or what about the girl who had found her future husband, only to have her best friend interfere and suggest that he really wasn’t what she was looking for. She knew deep down inside that he was for her but she became very confused and almost sabotaged the relationship. Thankfully, she trusted herself well enough and realized that her friend was not looking out for her best interest.
How do you learn to trust yourself and get in touch with your intuition so you can learn more about Dating without Drama?
The first thing to do is get out of your head. This is hard to do because we are often afraid of making the wrong decision so it is much safer if we remain in the analytical realm. In the end, it is hard to have feelings for someone if you are coldly comparing them to a wishlist.
Begin to listen to yourself. Deep down you will know if you have a good feeling or not. If you do, trust it. This internal awareness is also crucial in terms of articulating to our family and friends what we are truly looking for. They might think we want one thing when we actually want the opposite. If we are not clear with them, this will lead to interference. If they think you want a boy who is going to learn in kollel when you really want a professional, when you tell them you want to marry the latter, they may try to talk you out of it as it goes against what you supposedly were looking for.
One must act wisely and use some discretion and at the same time realize that we have all the answers we need inside ourselves. There is a story of a father who asked a Rebbe about a shidduch. He had two very good prospects for his child and he wasn’t sure which one to choose. The Rebbe replied that he should follow the inclination of his heart. Ultimately, you know what feels right for you and it is important to trust that.
In summary, in this issue of Dating without Drama – we learned how to be true to yourself
-Know yourself- be aware of what you want and who you are so that you can make an informed decision
-Be yourself- don’t try to be someone you are not
-Trust yourself- get in touch with your gut as you will be the only one that has to live with the decision you make.
I hope you found Dating without Drama: The Five Secrets to Successful Dating informative and helpful. I really feel that if you implement these secrets you will have a much more enjoyable and productive dating experience. Please share with me your success stories so I can post them here on TheRelationshipRabbi.com
While for many these tips is all they need to propel forward, others find that coaching is beneficial to discuss a little bit more about what might be getting in your way on your path towards learning how to get married. In my phone-coaching sessions with singles we get to explore these tips by discussing your real life experiences that are unique to you as well as practice scenarios so that you can master these techniques. Contact me to go over what you’ve learned in reading Dating without Drama and so we can discuss what will be most helpful for you.
I have seen too many singles who have suffered for too long who decided to make a quick shift and suddenly get married. There is no reason why you have to suffer any longer, decide to incorporate these principles- and choose to learn more about Dating without Drama. Please call 443-570-7598 for more help.